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    Travel Headcanons Nick Edition

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    december’s only just started but I think now’s a good a time as any to start a recap. 

    I don’t remember much of the first half of this year, if I’m honest. I remember it starting in a pretty dark place. I do remember starting talking to Gavin at the tail end of ; that was honestly a light spot in that space of time. I’d really been through it last year, and it was so nice and refreshing to talk to someone who genuinely seemed to care, who was genuinely interested in what I had to say and was genuinely curious about me. I felt kind of weird about that level of attention at first, but now I miss it. time’s gone on, what can I say, maybe I’m a little attached. not painfully so, but. this is someone I really do care about a lot.

    which is why I’m still pretty regretful about january. I still don’t really know what happened over festivus weekend. I’d been so upset for so long, and next thing I know it’s back to the usual. but it was just. nothing. I felt blank. my heart dropped into my stomach the next day once I realized how something that felt so insignificant could be so hurtful, and honestly I spent all of festivus in that dead zone at T’s house just really upset with myself. I don’t know how much I would’ve enjoyed it even if that hadn’t happened. 

    my depression was really bad. I remember my emotions being all over the place. I remember drinking and eating bundt cake alone at home in my bathtub on valentines day, Dark Places PC full crack - Free Download - Repack - Hiu Games. I remember sending some messages I kind of regret, others just for fun, because fuck it, why not? I remember spending a lot of time in bed. a lot of time trying to reassure myself that I hadn’t done irreversible damage; that I hadn’t fucked up everything as per the usual. journaling, trying to keep my mood up above rock bottom. I was fostering that litter of rats early in the year, and that felt like a whirlwind. I remember going out to dinner with a friend, and coming home, even after having a good night, in a horribly sad mood. I barely remember any of the rest of it. 

    I’m sure some good things happened earlier in the year too. one of the few things keeping me sane, besides my rats, was waking up in the middle of the night to snapchat and whatsapp messages from Gavin. I was a complete mess, but having someone consistently showing me they cared and actually wanted to. I don’t know, follow all my social media, get to know me, all that. it was nice. I remember having a real bad day mood-wise and going to yoga with charlotte, and coming back to a message that I was the ~some kinda angel~ he’d been dreaming about. amazing how something like that can pick you right up. I remember a lot of voice clips; he was real excited to hear my voice the first time. I don’t much care Dark Places PC full crack - Free Download - Repack - Hiu Games my voice, but that enthusiasm gave me a little more confidence to do more song covers. I hadn’t recorded that many in years, if ever.

    I think I went to a few shows earlier in the year. I got to meet Phoebe Bridgers, which was so cool. Carmen took me back out to Baltimore after I’d just seen Hozier, and we saw Weezer and The Pixies. and I got to hear all about her girlfriend troubles and her adventures in Cuba. it was really nice reconnecting with a friend, hearing how she’s been trying to do better for herself, and she really is. I can’t say I’m not a little jealous of her; her confidence and radiance; but I’m also really proud of her too.

    I started my mood tracker app in february, and I think I started seeing my psychiatrist not long after that. I’m still amazed she started me on something that didn’t make me sick, and might actually be working for me. I’m still recalling that one night I had, must’ve been february. I felt absolutely godawful, and nothing helped. it wasn’t anything in particular, I just felt Bad. I wouldn’t have done anything stupid, but I also felt for a minute like it’d never go away. I tried everything. I tried a bath, possibly a face mask. I tried writing, I think. I tried music. I even put on a disney movie or two like I would if I were feeling sick (I rarely ever watch anything disney, but when I get panicky from nausea I need something comforting). nothing helped. that I think is what prompted me to go to a psychiatrist this time. I hadn’t been in that deep of a pit in a long time.

    things started to pick up with the weather. I felt myself balance out. I really thought for a minute that I was going to scare Gavin away with my erratic moods, and I thought he had this perception of me that I was some kinda crazy or overemotional or whatever else but I was just in a real bad spot. I’m still grateful that he stuck by me through all that, and wasn’t too weirded out by me for it to be actually exciting when I got my plane tickets to Scotland. I was really excited too, but of course kind of nervous because I’d never been that far away from home by myself before. 

    I remember doing a good bit of volunteering, but I was really tired and couldn’t keep up with much more than one day a week. my energy levels were worrying. I know I saw a few doctors, because thankfully I had the time, but they weren’t terribly helpful. 

    I’m sure I went to more shows. I lost my Louie in June, not long after his second birthday. that was heart-shattering. I wasn’t expecting it from him; he was just fine. he just had a lump removed from his tail. he was such a happy, sweet boy. I couldn’t believe one minute he was snuggling with his cagemates, and the next I was holding his tiny little body in my hands, trying to get CPR to work, watching the life leave his eyes. taking him to the crematory was hard. picking up his ashes was hard. everything about it was hard. but I had to keep going. I wasn’t expecting that at all, and I was so scared Ollie would be alone, Dark Places PC full crack - Free Download - Repack - Hiu Games, because Fitzie’s time was coming fast too. he’d been deteriorating over the course of the year and I just knew it was only a matter of months. his legs were going, and he couldn’t clean himself. towards the end I had to check his privates at least once a day; male rats get buildup of various fluids, oil, and skin cells, and those plugs can block their urethras. they generally clean it themselves, but when they get so old they can’t do it. so it was up to me to pull it out. I can’t say it wasn’t weirdly satisfying, kind of in the same way that popping a big pimple is satisfying, but it was definitely gross.

    so I looked for more rats to adopt. and by some miracle, just like the day after Marty passed, I found a brand new litter posted by the rescue some of my fosters went to. I went to meet the baby boys and picked two, and while I probably could’ve picked a better match I love my Harper and Micah to bits. they’ve got such personalities on them.

    but of course, nothing is ever convenient. right after I adopted them (because I had to go through such a long adoption process; I could’ve had more time otherwise), Dark Places PC full crack - Free Download - Repack - Hiu Games, I had to go to farm jam. Dark Places PC full crack - Free Download - Repack - Hiu Games was a little over-prepared this year, but I’m glad I got myself a nice tent and prepared for rain. farm jam honestly wasn’t that great this year, though. my friends wanted to hang out with each other, hardly anyone talked to me, and their friends from other places that I didn’t even know had other friends that they brought to our campsite, so there were a lot of strangers around. not that that’s a bad thing, but I just felt uncomfortable. everything is so different now. not to mention I just felt really alone. people talked to me when they needed to. I ended up actually pretty bored; I’d brought some things to keep myself entertained, but I was asleep before midnight every night because there was only so much I felt like staying awake for by myself. there was one night I was just really upset, so I made myself a quick dinner and shut myself in my tent while everyone else was up all night. I read by lantern-light, put in my earplugs after I was tired enough, and went to sleep. I was ready to be home again. I’m not sure if I want to go again next year. I like farm jam, truly, but it’s just not fun when you’re surrounded by ‘friends’ who can’t eve be bothered to talk to you. it was painfully obvious that I’m just not part of the group anymore.

    I was glad to have Scotland to look forward to. I got to unpack and repack; thankfully I was smart enough to make packing lists before I even left for farm jam. I was nervous as all hell once I got to BWI and found my terminal, and once I landed in JFK I was trying real hard not to call my mom like I usually do when I get nervous. I get the travel jitters pretty bad. but I took some zzzquil before I got on the plane, and since I’d already been up all day I was grateful to sleep through a good bit of the hour flight. I managed to stave off jet lag by staying up for another full day, but I can’t say I enjoyed it, ha.

    I did enjoy everything else about that trip, though. I definitely had plenty of high points in my year (much more than last year, for sure), but this trip was probably the best. I know I wasn’t the most expressive (I guess I’ve learned not to be?), but I loved it there. I also know I got real lucky with the weather, so it’s not always as gorgeous as it was when I visited, but it really was lovely. I’d love to go back to Gourock one of these days. sit on the shore; a little slice of such a big world. I wouldn’t have wanted to skip rocks with much of anyone else.

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    I was really proud of myself for tackling Edinburgh by myself. figuring out the trains, going to see the castle, managing to avoid looking like a tourist so nobody hassled me, finding a little record shop to browse through, walking around the gardens alone. I was in so much pain I couldn’t even believe it, though. I’m amazed I made it back to the train without my leg bones breaking through my heels, and amazed I could even still walk by the time I got back to Gourock. my hips were so stiff and every glary utilities pro 5 was hard. I know I pushed it. but it was so worth it.

    I miss the feeling. that no-obligations feeling; being able to do pretty much anything we wanted because it was vacation time. I do remember feeling bad, not knowing what it was that I must’ve said or done (because why else would you go quiet on me?). that wasn’t so fun. but I know I’m not unreasonable. I’m not hard to talk to, I don’t think. I don’t explode over little things; I’d much rather talk through them than be left wondering what I did wrong, and then do it again. I don’t mean to be rude or mean or anything like that. we grew up with very different perceptions of things but I want to be on the same page, and sometimes that means being a little more conscious of what I say and do.

    I wasn’t really looking forward to coming home, but thankfully I had a little bit more down time before I started my new job. and ever since the end of august, I’ve been in work mode, it feels like. I’ve tried to keep up with volunteering, I’ve kept myself entertained sending packages out to Scotland (can’t say I’m a fan of international shipping costs though), and I’ve dealt with the loss of a few pets. I’ve been lucky enough to have my mom’s help with moving out, and I feel like my meds are really helping me now too. I feel a lot more balanced out than I did, and having such a good work environment is helping immensely. I’m still not quite where I want to be, but I feel better than I have in years both mentally and emotionally.

    the emotional front has changed too. back at the beginning of the year, I was so messed up, still. there was ORPALIS PaperScan Professional Crack Download lot of residual hurt after the 2 years or so prior, but I was also still super depressed. but the waters have calmed, and I’ve found that I’m not completely alone, necessarily. I have the hope that I have one person in my life now that won’t give up on me. I’ve had something like a year now of something relatively consistent. I feel like I’ve been able to build some trust, and like I’m slowly chipping away at these walls I’ve had built up. for the first time in years I’m actually kind of upset about feeling lonely. for the first time in years I’m not feeling sick to my stomach thinking about holding a hand, or someone holding me, or, god forbid, even kissing someone. I might even want that. and it’s weird to me, now, because it almost seems out-of-character, since I’ve been so messed up for so long. but this isn’t out-of-character, it’s the character I used to be before things all went sideways. I’ve had this image of being distant and detached and repulsed and unfortunately that ends up getting tied to the fact that I’m asexual (though in actuality they’re not related). but I know that’s not me. I know my asexuality is just a fact about my attraction to other people, and it has little to do with my behavior. it’s weird to me, feeling like this again, but I’m so relieved the damage might not have been permanent. it helps that my memory is such garbage. hard to remember how to feel fucked up when you can’t hardly remember how you got there to begin with.

    maybe my year will end on a little brighter note. I’m seeing a new rheumatologist on new years eve. I hope a few people will come visit for new years. I’ve got crafts to do and things to keep myself busy with. I hope Gavin will want to skype before the end of the year, but I get not feeling good. I get that talking takes energy. sometimes I feel like I just take a lot of energy to interact with, so I’m trying not to be annoying. I’m fine doing my own thing, as I have been. but I do miss his [virtual] company. it’s getting a lot more obvious since moving out how really quiet and lonely it is by myself, and I have this feeling in the bit of my stomach that I’d feel a lot better if I could share this space with someone, Dark Places PC full crack - Free Download - Repack - Hiu Games. sometimes I just want to show someone something, make them smile, talk about little nothings. and I don’t have that right now. I’m trying to let little things make me happy and let that be good enough, but it’s hard sometimes. it would just be really nice to be able to rest my head on a shoulder. to laugh about a dumb tv show with someone. even though I feel a lot better than I used to when I missed people, things sometimes just aren’t as good alone.

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    so. yeah. I’m a little hopeful. I want to get my shit figured out a little bit more. it’d be real nice to go back to Scotland too, but I might have to put that idea on hold til my life balances out a little more. I’m just going one day at a time right now. I’m doing my best. and thankfully my best is getting a little better. I want to keep that up.

    #a scattered recap#I had an ok year relatively speaking#it was nice to have something calm after the shitshow that was #I hope is even better#I'm gonna be miserable in the morning goodnight

    4 notes · View notes

    Day Twenty Two - Disney Springs & Travelling Home

    Woke up at 6am this morning. Heard the thunder last night! Dad and Elaine left their bedroom window open so their carpet was a bit wet and so was the car as Seb forgot to shut the back window last night. It was all a bit manic whilst we were all packing this morning. I managed to get everything but my Mac in my case. We checked out at 11am then drove to Disney Springs. Elaine and I walked to Starbucks to get a coffee whilst the boys went to get a burger. We walked back to sit with them and Chris got me some chips too. We split up and went for a mooch. 

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    Chris and I spent most our time in the massive Disney shop then he went and bought that jacket he loved at the Star Wars shop and treated me to a Cantina badge. 

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    We strolled round a bit more then left at pm, got to the airport and dropped off the car just after 3pm.

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    So so sad it’s over but had a fantastic holiday - bar the illness - and absolutely gutted it’s over! Until next time xx

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    It's 6/11/, here I lie in bed reflecting on the good times, Dark Places PC full crack - Free Download - Repack - Hiu Games, cuddling stitch. - I just really miss the hood times with you. I knew the pandemic was going to end someday. I just never thought we would ever end before the pandemic We lost ourselves. Here's a reminder of what we used to be like. 💙💜 Read it slow and take it easy. There are brighter days ahead, love. Call me if you ever want to talk. I know it's been hard.

    I'm not obsessed, just want to show you a taste of how things used to be before covid depression. Doesn't have to be the end of traveling and going to shows together.

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    3 years ago, today; we landed in Los Angeles. 6/11/

    E3, bright lights, loud music.

    Safe hotel, Lyft rides.

    Chinese food and Pizza. (Yes I remember what we ate.)

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    This pandemic drove us both mad. Honestly I think we loved each other so much that We stopped putting love and self care into ourselves because we saw each other was so depressed We hated seeing the other so depressed and unable to help.

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    Disney Planes

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    december’s only just started but I think now’s a good a time as any to start a recap. 

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    which is why I’m still pretty regretful about january. I still don’t really know what happened over festivus weekend. I’d been so upset for so long, and next thing I know it’s back to the usual. but it was just.. nothing. I felt blank. my heart dropped into my stomach the next day once I realized how something that felt so insignificant could be so hurtful, and honestly I spent all of festivus in that dead zone at T’s house just really upset with myself. I don’t know how much I would’ve enjoyed it even if that hadn’t happened. 

    my depression was really bad. I remember my emotions being all over the place. I remember drinking and eating bundt cake alone at home in my bathtub on valentines day. I remember sending some messages I kind of regret, others just for fun, because fuck it, why not? I remember spending a lot of time in bed. a lot of time trying to reassure myself that I hadn’t done irreversible damage; that I hadn’t fucked up everything as per the usual. journaling, trying to keep my mood up above rock bottom. I was fostering that litter of rats early in the year, and that felt like a whirlwind. I remember going out to dinner with a friend, and coming home, even after having a good night, in a horribly sad mood. I barely remember any of the rest of it. 

    I’m sure some good things happened earlier in the year too. one of the few things keeping me sane, besides my rats, was waking up in the middle of the night to snapchat and whatsapp messages from Gavin. I was a complete mess, but having someone consistently showing me they cared and actually wanted to.. I don’t know, follow all my social media, get to know me, all that. it was nice. I remember having a real bad day mood-wise and going to yoga with charlotte, and coming back to a message that I was the ~some kinda angel~ he’d been dreaming about. amazing how something like that can pick you right up. I remember a lot of voice clips; he was real excited to hear my voice the first time. I don’t much care for my voice, but that enthusiasm gave me a little more confidence to do more song covers. I hadn’t recorded that many in years, if ever.

    I think I went to a few shows earlier in the year. I got to meet Phoebe Bridgers, which was so cool. Carmen took me back out to Baltimore after I’d just seen Hozier, and we saw Weezer and The Pixies. and I got to hear all about her girlfriend troubles and her adventures in Cuba. it was really nice reconnecting with a friend, hearing how she’s been trying to do better for herself, and she really is. I can’t say I’m not a little jealous of her; her confidence and radiance; but I’m also really proud of her too.

    I started my mood tracker app in february, and I think I started seeing my psychiatrist not long after that. I’m still amazed she started me on something that didn’t make me sick, and might actually be working for me. I’m still recalling that one night I had, must’ve been february. I felt absolutely godawful, and nothing helped. it wasn’t anything in particular, I just felt Bad. I wouldn’t have done anything stupid, but I also felt for a minute like it’d never go away. I tried everything. I tried a bath, possibly a face mask. I tried writing, I think. I tried music. I even put on a disney movie or two like I would if I were feeling sick (I rarely ever watch anything disney, but when I get panicky from nausea I need something comforting). nothing helped. that I think is what prompted me to go to a psychiatrist this time. I hadn’t been in that deep of a pit in a long time.

    things started to pick up with the weather. I felt myself balance out. I really thought for a minute that I was going to scare Gavin away with my erratic moods, and I thought he had this perception of me that I was some kinda crazy or overemotional or whatever else but I was just in a real bad spot. I’m still grateful that he stuck by me through all that, and wasn’t too weirded out by me for it to be actually exciting when I got my plane tickets to Scotland. I was really excited too, but of course kind of nervous because I’d never been that far away from home by myself before. 

    I remember doing a good bit of volunteering, but I was really tired and couldn’t keep up with much more than one day a week. my energy levels were worrying. I know I saw a few doctors, because thankfully I had the time, but they weren’t terribly helpful. 

    I’m sure I went to more shows. I lost my Louie in June, not long after his second birthday. that was heart-shattering. I wasn’t expecting it from him; he was just fine. he just had a lump removed from his tail. he was such a happy, sweet boy. I couldn’t believe one minute he was snuggling with his cagemates, and the next I was holding his tiny little body in my hands, trying to get CPR to work, watching the life leave his eyes. taking him to the crematory was hard. picking up his ashes was hard. everything about it was hard. but I had to keep going. I wasn’t expecting that at all, and I was so scared Ollie would be alone, because Fitzie’s time was coming fast too. he’d been deteriorating over the course of the year and I just knew it was only a matter of months. his legs were going, and he couldn’t clean himself. towards the end I had to check his privates at least once a day; male rats get buildup of various fluids, oil, and skin cells, and those plugs can block their urethras. they generally clean it themselves, but when they get so old they can’t do it. so it was up to me to pull it out. I can’t say it wasn’t weirdly satisfying, kind of in the same way that popping a big pimple is satisfying, but it was definitely gross.

    so I looked for more rats to adopt. and by some miracle, just like the day after Marty passed, I found a brand new litter posted by the rescue some of my fosters went to. I went to meet the baby boys and picked two, and while I probably could’ve picked a better match I love my Harper and Micah to bits. they’ve got such personalities on them.

    but of course, nothing is ever convenient. right after I adopted them (because I had to go through such a long adoption process; I could’ve had more time otherwise), I had to go to farm jam. I was a little over-prepared this year, but I’m glad I got myself a nice tent and prepared for rain. farm jam honestly wasn’t that great this year, though. my friends wanted to hang out with each other, hardly anyone talked to me, and their friends from other places that I didn’t even know had other friends that they brought to our campsite, so there were a lot of strangers around. not that that’s a bad thing, but I just felt uncomfortable. everything is so different now. not to mention I just felt really alone. people talked to me when they needed to. I ended up actually pretty bored; I’d brought some things to keep myself entertained, but I was asleep before midnight every night because there was only so much I felt like staying awake for by myself. there was one night I was just really upset, so I made myself a quick dinner and shut myself in my tent while everyone else was up all night. I read by lantern-light, put in my earplugs after I was tired enough, and went to sleep. I was ready to be home again. I’m not sure if I want to go again next year. I like farm jam, truly, but it’s just not fun when you’re surrounded by ‘friends’ who can’t eve be bothered to talk to you. it was painfully obvious that I’m just not part of the group anymore.

    I was glad to have Scotland to look forward to. I got to unpack and repack; thankfully I was smart enough to make packing lists before I even left for farm jam. I was nervous as all hell once I got to BWI and found my terminal, and once I landed in JFK I was trying real hard not to call my mom like I usually do when I get nervous. I get the travel jitters pretty bad. but I took some zzzquil before I got on the plane, and since I’d already been up all day I was grateful to sleep through a good bit of the hour flight. I managed to stave off jet lag by staying up for another full day, but I can’t say I enjoyed it, ha.

    I did enjoy everything else about that trip, though. I definitely had plenty of high points in my year (much more than last year, for sure), but this trip was probably the best. I know I wasn’t the most expressive (I guess I’ve learned not to be?), but I loved it there. I also know I got real lucky with the weather, so it’s not always as gorgeous as it was when I visited, but it really was lovely. I’d love to go back to Gourock one of these days. sit on the shore; a little slice of such a big world. I wouldn’t have wanted to skip rocks with much of anyone else.

    I had a moment while I was catching my breath in Edinburgh; I’d gotten the tiniest bit lost and wound up in the park across the street from the Botanic Gardens, so I sat on a bench for a bit so I wouldn’t look weird. after a while I got up and crossed a big football field to get back where I was trying to go, and I remember looking up at the sky for a split second, and it really hit me that I was alone. that was the furthest away I’d been from home by myself, and I was in a city 2 hours away from the only other person I knew for thousands of miles. it wasn’t scary, necessarily. not even lonely. I think that feeling would’ve given me anxiety in the past. it was just a profound aloneness. 

    I was really proud of myself for tackling Edinburgh by myself. figuring out the trains, going to see the castle, managing to avoid looking like a tourist so nobody hassled me, finding a little record shop to browse through, walking around the gardens alone. I was in so much pain I couldn’t even believe it, though. I’m amazed I made it back to the train without my leg bones breaking through my heels, and amazed I could even still walk by the time I got back to Gourock. my hips were so stiff and every step was hard. I know I pushed it. but it was so worth it.

    I miss the feeling. that no-obligations feeling; being able to do pretty much anything we wanted because it was vacation time. I do remember feeling bad, not knowing what it was that I must’ve said or done (because why else would you go quiet on me?). that wasn’t so fun. but I know I’m not unreasonable. I’m not hard to talk to, I don’t think. I don’t explode over little things; I’d much rather talk through them than be left wondering what I did wrong, and then do it again. I don’t mean to be rude or mean or anything like that. we grew up with very different perceptions of things but I want to be on the same page, and sometimes that means being a little more conscious of what I say and do.

    I wasn’t really looking forward to coming home, but thankfully I had a little bit more down time before I started my new job. and ever since the end of august, I’ve been in work mode, it feels like. I’ve tried to keep up with volunteering, I’ve kept myself entertained sending packages out to Scotland (can’t say I’m a fan of international shipping costs though), and I’ve dealt with the loss of a few pets. I’ve been lucky enough to have my mom’s help with moving out, and I feel like my meds are really helping me now too. I feel a lot more balanced out than I did, and having such a good work environment is helping immensely. I’m still not quite where I want to be, but I feel better than I have in years both mentally and emotionally.

    the emotional front has changed too. back at the beginning of the year, I was so messed up, still. there was a lot of residual hurt after the 2 years or so prior, but I was also still super depressed. but the waters have calmed, and I’ve found that I’m not completely alone, necessarily. I have the hope that I have one person in my life now that won’t give up on me. I’ve had something like a year now of something relatively consistent. I feel like I’ve been able to build some trust, and like I’m slowly chipping away at these walls I’ve had built up. for the first time in years I’m actually kind of upset about feeling lonely. for the first time in years I’m not feeling sick to my stomach thinking about holding a hand, or someone holding me, or, god forbid, even kissing someone. I might even want that. and it’s weird to me, now, because it almost seems out-of-character, since I’ve been so messed up for so long. but this isn’t out-of-character, it’s the character I used to be before things all went sideways. I’ve had this image of being distant and detached and repulsed and unfortunately that ends up getting tied to the fact that I’m asexual (though in actuality they’re not related). but I know that’s not me. I know my asexuality is just a fact about my attraction to other people, and it has little to do with my behavior. it’s weird to me, feeling like this again, but I’m so relieved the damage might not have been permanent. it helps that my memory is such garbage. hard to remember how to feel fucked up when you can’t hardly remember how you got there to begin with.

    maybe my year will end on a little brighter note. I’m seeing a new rheumatologist on new years eve. I hope a few people will come visit for new years. I’ve got crafts to do and things to keep myself busy with. I hope Gavin will want to skype before the end of the year, but I get not feeling good. I get that talking takes energy. sometimes I feel like I just take a lot of energy to interact with, so I’m trying not to be annoying. I’m fine doing my own thing, as I have been. but I do miss his [virtual] company. it’s getting a lot more obvious since moving out how really quiet and lonely it is by myself, and I have this feeling in the bit of my stomach that I’d feel a lot better if I could share this space with someone. sometimes I just want to show someone something, make them smile, talk about little nothings. and I don’t have that right now. I’m trying to let little things make me happy and let that be good enough, but it’s hard sometimes. it would just be really nice to be able to rest my head on a shoulder. to laugh about a dumb tv show with someone. even though I feel a lot better than I used to when I missed people, things sometimes just aren’t as good alone.

    a lot of this year felt really foggy. but I’m glad to be where I am, even though it’s making me nervous. I hope I’m putting a good foot forward. and I hope brings more growth and healing. I hope one of these days I can learn to be the kind of person I want to be, and that I can be good for someone else too. so I can just know that to at least one person I’m not completely insufferable. so I don’t have to be so afraid that I’m just going to drive people away so I self-isolate. I’m doing a lot better about the negative thoughts, but I want to keep improving on that too. I have a lot of work to do, but I want to do it. it’s scary to feel like I’m doing so much alone. it’s sad knowing everyone else is caught up in their own lives, but at least most of them have someone else. it hits me sometimes how really, really lonely it is to have your own life but completely alone. I don’t mind being single. but it would be nice to come home to someone I love. someone that isn’t my rats, though of course they brighten my day no matter what, ha.

    so. yeah. I’m a little hopeful. I want to get my shit figured out a little bit more. it’d be real nice to go back to Scotland too, but I might have to put that idea on hold til my life balances out a little more. I’m just going one day at a time right now. I’m doing my best. and thankfully my best is getting a little better. I want to keep that up.

    #a scattered recap#I had an ok year relatively speaking#it was nice to have something calm after the shitshow that was #I hope is even better#I'm gonna be miserable in the morning goodnight

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    Day Twenty Two - Disney Springs & Travelling Home

    Woke up at 6am this morning. Heard the thunder last night! Dad and Elaine left their bedroom window open so their carpet was a bit wet and so was the car as Seb forgot to shut the back window last night. It was all a bit manic whilst we were all packing this morning. I managed to get everything but my Mac in my case. We checked out at 11am then drove to Disney Springs. Elaine and I walked to Starbucks to get a coffee whilst the boys went to get a burger. We walked back to sit with them and Chris got me some chips too. We split up and went for a mooch. 

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    Chris and I spent most our time in the massive Disney shop then he went and bought that jacket he loved at the Star Wars shop and treated me to a Cantina badge. 

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    We strolled round a bit more then left at pm, got to the airport and dropped off the car just after 3pm.

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    It was madness trying to get everything out and clear off. As we were walking to the terminal, Dad was walking with his cane and Seb went “he looks more and more like he’s going to take us on a tour of Jurassic Park every day” hahaha and Elaine was laughing so much she had to run and find a toilet! We got straight through security with no issues apart from Elaine’s bag got pulled off, standard! We got another Starbucks and sat on the floor, I got changed and repacked my bag. We boarded the plane late as it was slightly delayed to pm but once we boarded, they said due to the winds it was only going to be a 6 and a half hr flight! I read for a bit, they came round with food and the choice was a bit naff. I had tomato and garlic gnocci with bread and butter and a bit of salted caramel chocolate mousse. After that I put Judy on and nodded off about 45 mins in to it. I did get a few hours of disturbed sleep which was decent. I watched Judy again from where I fell asleep but then fell asleep again so didn’t see the end. Chris woke me up when they were serving breakfast so I had a warm pain au chocolate and some juice. Felt a bit sick. I read for the rest of the flight and we landed at about am. Sailed through security and cases weren’t long. We got home about am and the flight had broken some kind of record about how  quickly it had travelled home because of the storm! 

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    So so sad it’s over but had a fantastic holiday - bar the illness - and absolutely gutted it’s over! Until next time xx

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    It's 6/11/, here I lie in bed reflecting on the good times, cuddling stitch. - I just really miss the hood times with you. I knew the pandemic was going to end someday. I just never thought we would ever end before the pandemic We lost ourselves. Here's a reminder of what we used to be like. 💙💜 Read it slow and take it easy. There are brighter days ahead, love. Call me if you ever want to talk. I know it's been hard.

    I'm not obsessed, just want to show you a taste of how things used to be before covid depression. Doesn't have to be the end of traveling and going to shows together.

    I hope you can wake up from your depression and get the help you need from people who care. I still care and would be willing to help you through this if you'd just let me.

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    3 years ago, today; we landed in Los Angeles. 6/11/

    E3, bright lights, loud music.

    Safe hotel, Lyft rides.

    Chinese food and Pizza. (Yes I remember what we ate.)

    Burgers downtown LA, we walked to Smash Burger.

    Too many fries at Five Guys right by Target.

    Harry Potter, Universal Studios, Giant Scooby Doo.

    Endless trips to target, always getting everything we thought we needed, extra suitcase for souvenirs. Book store, so disorganized!

    Lots more Lyft rides, packed sidewalks, so many people. The only ones mattering; us.

    Close cuddling, despite a huge bed, pillow talk.

    Kissing and smiling, so many rooms and vendors.

    MyArcade, Sony, Nintendo

    Kingdom Hearts, Spyro

    Selling a limited edition pop vinyl for coffee money ☕

    Being so close to having a chance to meet Tom Kenny together

    Loot boxes, Pinata Llama

    Sinking City, Fallout Experience, "West Virginia"

    Almost missed our plane, but held each other's hand to get through it together. Nathaniel mailed us our Vault IDs so we could catch our plane.

    Trouble fitting everything in the suitcases, standing on the sidewalk, repacking.

    You panicked, I calmed you down. Everything was alright as long as we stuck together.

    I would do it all again a million times, in a million cities.

    I would do anything for one more trip like that.

    So many options. New York, England, Ireland, Disney World

    So many places we had planned.

    Now there's been job loss.

    Depression, lack of self care, no culture.

    Pandemic, isolation, further depression, tragedy, deaths in my family

    Losing my grandma and grandpa so close together.

    I'm sorry I turned so cold due to my depression. It happened to you, too; but we couldn't see it in ourselves.

    I miss who I was before the pandemic.

    I miss who you were before the pandemic.

    I missed who we TRIED to be for each other before the pandemic. (I know you tried hard the ways you know how, but please hear me out.)

    We need our culture, we need our travel, we need our self care.

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    This pandemic drove us both mad. Honestly I think we loved each other so much that We stopped putting love and self care into ourselves because we saw each other was so depressed We hated seeing the other so depressed and unable to help.

    We need doctor checkups and counseling to repair ourselves. It will take time.

    I wish we could have tried couples counseling, if I only knew you were thinking about leaving at all.. even once. I truly wanted to provide happiness, safety, and fulfilment. Maybe down the road we can work together and put ourselves first, then our partner as a close second. I forgot, too. I forgot to love myself and in turn I couldn't show love to you anymore No matter how much I wanted to.

    I would do anything; for you; for me; for us - Including trying my hardest to love myself again.

    Please understand my depression was not because I was with you. It was because I was with myself. Stuck with myself and depressed. Unable to go to shows, concerts, and movies with you. MENTALLY disabled to the point I could not see what I could possibly do to help your day get better either. I was so blinded by depression I could not see the trash bags piling up that the dishes needed to get done that vacuuming hasn't been done in months on end. I was actually blind to the world around me. I can't stress that fact enough. I'm getting help now, but that doesn't make going through it alone any easier.

    I'm sorry for obsessively and compulsively messaging you, it felt like my soul mate was being ripped away from me and after 7 1/2 years and I couldn't control myself no matter how hard I tried. And trust, I tried HARD. I only wanted to make you happy and when I felt I couldn't do that anymore I forgot to try and make myself happy too, for myself. I started buying video games but it wasn't making me any happier. I forgot to invest back into you so you could feel the love that's always been inside my heart. I just wish you would have asked me to get help rather than cutting me away. I needed to see a doctor, not be given up on. I hope you can understand that some day. If you only knew what it was like to be me going through this on my end Yes you were very sweet and loving but I physically could not break out of my depression without seeing a doctor or having a serious talk. I wanted to reciprocate your love so much. Show you the deep passion that resides inside of me. Deep down I could not see for myself of escape the darkness consuming me. I literally couldn't be myself. Not your fault I was so depressed, you did your best to try and fix me but I truly needed to see a doctor.

    When you panicked and left, I know better than to argue with you when you hit that state. Whether you were being manipulated or not, I don't blame you for leaving but you certainly could have handled it better, too. I couldn't stop my messaging no matter how hard I tried because you left me out of the blue. Again. I honestly just wanted you to have a chance at Happily Ever After and thought we were going to make it through this pandemic together. We were so close to the end of the dark pandemic and getting our freedom to take on the city together again I thought One thing I do know. I never could abandon you like you've done to me. I just needed to get some help so I could find myself again. Who I used to be. You deserve yourself again too. To be clear, I don't hate you either.. even though you did leave me when I needed you the most. I needed my partner to.. TO TELL ME I NEEDED HELP. I needed you more than ever to help me through these dark days where the only thing I dreamed of anymore was self harm. That's not me. I know better. I just need help; I have been needing to see a doctor

    You have medication for depression. I never have. I never knew I needed it. You were the only person that could have told me how depressed or sad I was looked. Instead of talking to me about it, you just kept giving me gifts and making me food and that wasn't what I needed. I needed to be told I looked sad. Or depressed. Or not acting like my usual self.

    We both needed the lights of the city, the plays, the musicals. We had none of that together for OVER an entire year Of course we turned feral We both went crazy without our culture, our love language of shows, bright lights, and music.. but to give up so close to places reopening is truly heartbreaking for me.

    Do you remember what we were like before our pandemic depression? I honestly think we can get back to that if we both get help.

    Love yourself, then consider me once more. I will work on myself as well.

    Come back to me when you're ready to. Take the time you need to heal from the toll of this pandemic. For God's sake. I pray you are able to enjoy being yourself through all of this. I want to see the happy side of each of us again and try again some day. We both needed a reset after being depressed and isolated so long. If we were to get back together we would need relationship counseling so I could know what you're thinking. You never would tell me when I asked and I couldn't understand why not.

    Don't forget about the good times. I'm lost without you. We both got sick so please realize I'm not mad. Just a bit disappointed.

    I still would like to go to the Hella Mega Tour and then Frozen in October together. We could both use the healing of the music, the stage, and being around people again. Even if not going as a couple, even though I had originally planned to propose to you at this concert in I would at least like to go as friends if nothing else. I had the ring and everything, but it doesn't have to be a romantic thing anymore if you don't want it to be. Otherwise these tickets won't be used, as I'm not going to go by myself.

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    We laughed our ASSES OFF when we first heard this song in the theater Well, please take another listen. Listen to each word. Because this is as close to a song I can find to explain what it feels like right now.

    alloverlimo.us

    alloverlimo.us

    Healthy people don't just throw this away over their partner being depressed and not acting themselves. You tell them they need help and help them get it. I know you weren't being your rational self. It's okay. That's why I was pushing so hard to help, but it was too much pushing and I'm sorry. I care deeply about you and your well being; only wanted to help. Let me know when you're ready to actually take this serious again. Get help yourself. See a doctor. Get your thyroid checked out. Explain every condition or symptom you struggle with every day to them that you can see; explain all that you can to them in the same visit instead of chasing single symptoms at a time. They exist to help you. If you need me there I will support you, as another fellow human being if nothing else.. For your health I still care so much for.

    You are the only woman I see in the world, the only beauty; no, you're not textbook perfect, neither am I but that's not what I'm looking for anyways. What's important is that we help each other through thick and thin. You did that for me. It's my time to do it for you. You are certainly the only woman I would force myself to the end of hell to get you the help you need and deserve. I would work to compromise through anything to spend the rest of my life with you.

    Relationships; partnerships are not only about the good times. They're also about falling on your ass and helping each other pick themselves back up again. Because real life isn't all happiness. It's ups and downs. Those serious about relationships stick through it through the thick AND the thin. It takes 5 happy moments MINIMUM to make up for 1 bad moment of equal weight. I'm willing to forgive you. But it will take some time after this walk-out We can do it if you put in the effort towards your own health and self care and truly love yourself. Time can't take all of this away from us happening, but we CAN use it to make us stronger again someday.

    Right now I only ask of 3 things. And do them for YOURSELF.

    1. See a doctor. Just a regular health check-up to make sure your vitals are okay. You haven't talked to me about your body in a long time and I know you're still in pain with whatever is throwing your thyroid into under and over producing hormones. It can't be easy to go through. But you still need care. You can't chase other peoples love until you relearn to love and care for yourself and your bare necessities like bodily health and mental health.

    2. Get your thyroid tested and actually follow through with their recommendations (there may be something serious going on and we NEED to catch it before it's too late). Don't stop at covering symptoms, we need to find out the source. Talk to your mom. I talk to my mom about my symptoms too. It's okay. That's what parents are there for. Explain all the symptoms you struggle with on a day to day basis. Walk through your days beginning to end. Both for weekdays and weekend days. Walk through each and every day if you can; write it down if you have to in schedule format. Hourly log your struggles and show it to your doctor if that's what it takes and makes talking about it easier.

    3. Talk to a counselor/therapist, but I don't think until the first two are met. Maybe your mom could help you through this for now until the first two are met. I don't want to harm anything by getting involved again too quickly and harm your recovery of yourself.

    The good times are around the corner. Trust me, Crystal. Just take the time it takes to invest in yourself like stated above. 3 things. Do this for you. Not for me.

    Take care of yourself. You only get one You, Crystal. I'm trying to do the same for myself as well. Love yourself. 💙 And I'll learn to love Me 💜, too. And some day we may feel the love that's been hiding inside of us for each other that isn't truly gone away 💙💜. But it takes loving ourselves again, first.

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    #Spotify

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    Disney Planes

    Hiu Games - Free Download PC Games DESCRIPTIONS FULL CRACK – REPACK – FREE DOWNLOAD – GOOGLE DRIVE – MEGA Developer: Behaviour Interactive Publisher: Disney Release Date: 6 Aug, Genre: Action, Adventure From above the world of “Cars”, Disney’s Planes takes players on a high-flying, action-packed animated comedy adventure with Dusty Crophopper, a big-hearted, speed-loving crop duster, voiced by actor and comedian Dane Cook. Take to the skies with Dusty and friends as they embark on global missions and grand adventures around the world. CONSOLE GAME FEATURES Key Fetures: 10 characters from the film with pick-up-and-play flight controls 10 environments inspired by the film 4 modes of play: Air Rallies, Story, Free Flight and Balloon Popping fun players SCREENSHOT SYSTEM REQUIRE Link Download: GOOGLE DRIVE

    #Action# Adventure# Disney Planes Direct Links Download# Disney Planes Free Download# Disney Planes Full Crack# Disney Planes Full Versions# Disney Planes PC Cracked# Disney Planes Repack

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    Disney Planes

    Hiu Games - Free Download PC Games DESCRIPTIONS FULL CRACK – REPACK – FREE DOWNLOAD – GOOGLE DRIVE – MEGA Developer: Behaviour Interactive Publisher: Disney Release Date: 6 Aug, Genre: Action, Adventure From above the world of “Cars”, Disney’s Planes takes players on a high-flying, action-packed animated comedy adventure with Dusty Crophopper, a big-hearted, speed-loving crop duster, voiced by actor and comedian Dane Cook. Take to the skies with Dusty and friends as they embark on global missions and grand adventures around the world. CONSOLE GAME FEATURES Key Fetures: 10 characters from the film with pick-up-and-play flight controls 10 environments inspired by the film 4 modes of play: Air Rallies, Story, Free Flight and Balloon Popping fun players SCREENSHOT SYSTEM REQUIRE Link Download: GOOGLE DRIVE

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